BREAKING: California Files Papers To Secede

California, or rather a coalition of the people of California, has filed papers with the US Attorney’s office as well as the Clerk of Congress and the White House that the state intends to secede from the union effective January 1st, 2018. Attorney General Jeff Sessions, in what may be his finest moment in the role yet, responded:

“Good riddance. Pretty sure this is illegal and you won’t be going anywhere, but we’re all pulling for you.”

The Coalition of People for a New Californian Sovereignty is the culprit behind the movement, which has been brewing for several years. Governor Jerry Brown, who says he is “but a servant of the will of the people,” says he will defer his executive power to the committee heading the secession if the number of signatures from his residents reaches 50.1 percent of registered voters.

Some in the state say that’s not enough; that on an issue of this importance, everyone with an eligible vote, not just a registered one, should have a voice in the decision. That may be all well and good, but that, in California, includes nearly 4 million illegal aliens and no way to count what number would constitute 50.1 percent.

Brown says that for his purposes, the precedent will be state law, which requires that all voters have the right to register with valid ID right up until election day:

“Since this isn’t an election, we’ve set a three week deadline for registering to vote so you can sign the petition if you’re a Californian and want to have your voice heard.”

So far there’s been crickets from the White House, but inside sources say there was “hysterical laughter” booming from the Oval Office when the news hit. It’s so ridiculous not even CNN will talk about it. Fox flashed a thing at the bottom of the screen and Breitbart trashed the story.

That’s how much people care, California. Buh Bye.

About Flagg Eagleton 45 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.