BREAKING: Clinton’s Death Ruled A Homicide

The Clinton family is now dealing with the tragic news that Chelsea was murdered earlier tonight in what federal investigators are calling “an elaborately staged fake suicide.” According to Agent Sandra Batt of the OBR, we could be looking for anyone from a disgruntled political opponent to a business associate or even a drug dealer:

“Chelsea Clinton inherited a foundation wrought with corruption. The shipping was a smuggling and human trafficking operation and the relief efforts were all lies. She had no choice but to make back-room deals with some shady people.”

The FBI is working with OBR to solve the case as quickly as possible before conspiracy theories about Russian spies and Macedonian fake news outlets begin plaguing their efforts:

“Every kook in the universe will come out to confess. Sorry, folks…unless you’re Bill or Hillary Clinton — and yes, they are suspects — we’ll take care of this one in-house.”

Chelsea Clinton leaves behind a husband, two children, and two murderous, treasonous scoundrels.

About Flagg Eagleton 45 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.