Sandy Batt, the woman who single-handedly saved the Trump family from a suicide bomber in 2007, is alive and well, according to reports out of New York City. City Comptroller Jolie Robbins told the New York Posterior Review that Batt’s checks stopped in 2009 when she was pronounced legally dead after dropping off the map.

Batt, who was given a fruit basket and an all-expense-paid stay at any Trump Resort for 2 days and 1 night with the purchase of a round of golf for jumping on a suicide bomber and disarming him outside of Trump Tower, disappeared after David Letterman called the gap between her front teeth “bigger than Alfred E. Newman’s.”

Letterman has said that Batt was aware of the joke but took it poorly when comedian Andrew Dice Clay abruptly added that he could “easily fit the purple-headed warrior through there.” Letterman added that you could “drive a Mack truck through there.”

Letterman confirmed the irony of his own gap-toothed grin and sent flowers to Batt’s family after she disappeared.

Now that she’s back she can finally tell us about that day, about why she decided to be so hush-hush about it and where she’s been for nearly a decade. Doctors say she’ll be awake and ready to talk by morning.

Let’s all send thoughts and prayers to Sandy Batt; the woman who saved Donald Trump so he could save us!

About Flagg Eagleton 52 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.