UPDATE: White House Confirms: Neal Gorsuch Found Dead

Art Tubolls of the White House Office of Information and Propaganda has confirmed to the Washington Morning Dispatch that Justice Neal McMichaels Gorsuch passed away this evening suddenly. His body was found by his housekeeper, Rosita.

The coroner is suggesting that the cause of death was most likely a habitulated dystrophy of the Necruter valve. “That kind of thing causes this kind of instant death. No notice; no warning. Here one second gone the next.,” said ME Sandy Batt of the Washington DC Metro morgue.

The White House acknowledged that the loss of Gorsuch is a huge hit to their legislative agenda. Steven Miller told Fox News reporter Lauren Perrine:

“Justice Gorsuch was expected to vote with us on several issues, as was agreed upon when he took the bench. His not disclosing his condition is a serious breach of contract. Now we’re at square one politically.”

Miller is known as a hothead to those around him. Surely he extends the same thoughts and prayers as the rest of us to Gorsuch’s beautiful wife, Loretta, and their three children, Walt, Mary and Stu. Your father was a great man, kids. His 8 months on the bench with no significant rulings will never be forgotten.

About Flagg Eagleton 52 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.