The Clintons announced this morning that Hillary, Matriarch of the family of professional liars and murderers, has been diagnosed with a rare form of brain tumor. According to doctors at the National Institute for Cancer Research, Clinton has a small leprosical malignancy of the 14th node.
Clinton has secured the services of Dr. Sanford Batt, the neurosurgeon made famous for the first head transplant in China last year that tragically failed after a mere 16 breaths. This time, he says, he’s confident he’ll be successful:
“Mrs. Clinton’s tumor is in a precarious spot. Being leprosical, it’s eating the tissue around it as it grows. I am, however, confident that it can be removed and the area laser-seared to prevent re-growth. The procedure isn’t common, but these types of tumors only occur in one in 1.9 million people with tumors, so…there are always unanswered questions.”
According to every other specialist we’ve asked, Clinton’s condition is without a doubt “systemic and fatal.” Dr. Jack Bowman, chief of Neuroscience at Johns Hopkins, says the problem with leprosical tumors is that they always escape into the bloodstream when cut:
“As soon as you disturb it it will use its defense mechanisms to enter the bloodstream. She’ll have tumors in every lymph node. The best course of action is to treat it with traditional methods and extend her life a few months. As it stands I don’t see her living more than six.”
The Clintons have opted to stay optimistic, declining to comment on Bowman’s prognosis.