BREAKING: North Korean Missile Misses Los Angeles By 43 Miles

Reports from private weather stations and observatories across the planet are confirming tonight that a missile, fired from the eastern shores of North Korea, landed a mere 40 miles short of Los Angeles. Scientists don’t believe there was a warhead on board.

The missile, a Qua Gen Ahn model ICBM, ran out of fuel on it’s way to the intended target, which ballistics show as a patch of ocean just offshore from Long Beach. The caretaker at the Blair Observatory, Johansen P. Rager, explained the math to our reporter in the field, Art Tubolls:

“The missile was a test. It was on course for Long Beach — or an area just outside of Long Beach, when it ran out of fuel and splashed down, 43 miles short.

If that missila had a warhead designed to detonate at zero fuel, a significant portion of Southern California would be dealing with fallout and radioactive rain for days.”

The US military, along with the North Koreans and the UN — is denying any knowledge of a missile strike attempt against the United States. One general at the Pentagon did acknowledge that had a nuclear warhead made it that extra 43 miles, that the situation would be “grim”:

“We could have been looking at a radioactive cloud traveling all the way to the Atlantic with the jetstream, killing people, farms and livestock along its path of death. Thank God this was apparently just another test.”

This test, according to the scientists who keep the Doomsday Clock, is the closest the world has ever been to a nuclear holocaust. “We’re setting the clock at one second to midnight until either Kim Jong Un or Donald Trump are no longer in power,” Said chief Clock Keeper Sandiforio Battricinni, “I have ordered my last pizza pie.”

Hopefully, this situation can be contained.

About Flagg Eagleton 52 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.