BREAKING: Senator Kangas Dead At 52

Republican US Senator and American War Hero Gary Kangas of Idaho died this morning surrounded by loved ones after a long battle with mental illness, PTSD and alcoholism. The medical examiner listed his cause of death as “traumatic war experience resulting in adverse lifestyle changes.” He’s the 403rd veteran to die from TWESIALC and the first elected official.

Kangas sprung onto the congressional scene in 2004 after coming home from Afghanistan with more than 40 “head rags” taken from the enemy. He was asked by legendary lawmaker Sanford “The Batt” Batterson to run for a House seat in Idaho and won by a landslide. Since then he’s won 3 more elections; his last to the US Senate.

Having been ill with symptoms of his disease ranging from raging hangovers to moments when he was unable to leave his closet for fear of  IEDs, one would think Senator Kangas would have missed a lot of sessions. You couldn’t be more wrong. Kangas showed up for every vote like the Marine in him told him to. He voted with Donald Trump on everything.

Kangas’ most famous moment was when he commented that Barack Obama looked like a “big sissy boy in mom jeans,” then lost a one-on-one basketball game to the former POTUS by an embarrassing 11-3 beatdown. After the game, Kangas told the press that he was OK with Obama beating him at his “natural sport.” “I’m pretty sure if we put on the gear we’d know who was boss.”

That sparked memes for months declaring Kangas “The Real Boss.” He continued to serve admirably and battle his demons privately with his family until it became too much. Kangas’ chief aide, Jolie Michele, says what he wanted more than anything was to be with those he loved when he died and to have Hot Pockets create a flavor in his honor.

Kangas’ seat will be assigned by Idaho Governor Malcolm Reynolds until a special election can be held later in the year. Sources inside say Roy Moore may be making the move to become an Idaho citizen as we speak.

Kangas will lie in state at the Capitol House in Idaho before being cremated and spread in a private ceremony.

About Flagg Eagleton 52 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.